Transformers: Dark of the Moon 3D review

Too bad I'm not really the baddie. Michael Bay misinformed us! SHOCKER!!

I was going to right an article about the first two Michael Bay-directed Transformers films, but I found that it was too cynical, particularly in the case of the GARBAGE that was Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. So instead, since I saw the film earlier than planned, my review of Bay's purportedly final film in the series, Transformers: Dark of the Moon. I'm truly in two minds about this one. On one hand, the 3D was great, the action was good, and the stakes were high. On the other hand, the first hour sucked so bad that I practically walked out early. In this first hour, we are subjected to mediocre plot exposition, the return of Wheelie (damn it. damn it Bay), and the crappy acting of almost everyone involved in the production, with the possible exception of Patrick Dempsey. John Malkovich and Ken Jeong cameo in ridiculously unfunny and overacted roles, while Frances McDormand plays her role as a government official a little too seriously. Shia LaBeouf's shtick is getting old, John Turturro lost all of his humor in the last film, and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is simply not an actress, no matter how mind-blowing her ass is in 3D (and believe me, that is UNBELIEVABLE). But then, when (SPOILER ALERT) Ironhide is murdered by supposed good guy Sentinel Prime (voiced by Spock himself, though did Bay really have to put a dark spin on his last words from Wrath of Khan?) and Dempsey's character is revealed to be a human double agent. After this, the film suddenly becomes dark, emotional, and action-heavy, with the stakes far higher this time (Sentinel is trying to pull CYBERTRON itself into Earth's atmosphere!!! HOLY FLIPPIN SHITSKIS!!!). By now, you will have realized that Bay lied again, and that Shockwave, despite being in the film, is not the villain at all, but is...

He's got a robot goatee! How do we know this isn't Mirror-Sentinel??

Sentinel himself, allied with the wounded and basically useless Megatron to save Cybertron at the expense of Earth. This leads to Chicago (for some reason, why Chicago?) to being used as a Decepticon base and subsequently reduced to rubble in the final battle. The ending feels rushed and anti-climactic, with Megatron and Optimus' final face-off honestly deserving more screen-time, no matter how epic the battle between Optimus and Sentinel was. Chicago looked epic in destruction, while the action complemented the 3D nicely. James Cameron and Steven Spielberg obviously gave Bay a few tips on the technology, as it is the one area of the film that Bay completely nails. Imagine this in 3D:

Where does the battle for Earth fight? Lower Wacker Drive, obviously.

Yeah, now you get it.

Anyways, the film is entertaining, despite the god-awful first half, and Bay somewhat redeems himself for the disaster that is Revenge of the Fallen. I'll give all three ratings of the movies, to compensate for not writing that other post.

Goodbye, Sam Witwicky. Goodbye, Optimus, Megatron, Bumblebee. So glad Starscream died.

Transformers- 3.5/5 stars
Revenge of the Fallen- 1/5 stars
Dark of the Moon- 3/5 stars