Two and a Half Men - "Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt" Review

Ashes and suicide attempts abound as Walden and Alan meet at last.

I must be honest: Two and a Half Men has always been among my guiltiest pleasures. A childhood favorite I used to watch with my grandparents and little brother, the show, despite its steep decline over the years as well as its rather juvenile and puerile approach to humor, will always hold a place in my heart. And I was as dismayed as anyone, in the wake of Charlie Sheen's public meltdown, when he was fired from the show. My worries increased to breaking point when I learned of Ashton Kutcher taking over the lead role, as I've never been a fan of his work. He doesn't really seemed interested in quality, and only seems to play roles that slightly deviate from Kelso on That '70s Show. However, I decided not to prematurely pass judgment on this new series dynamic, and tuned in (from the record-breaking numbers, with pretty much everyone across the country) on Monday night at 9, fresh off the excellent two premiere episodes of How I Met Your Mother (which I will be reviewing shortly), and an hour before the roast of Sheen on Comedy Central (which I will also discuss). And what did I think? Well, for about 80% of it, I despised it. It felt like half a very deliberate case of twisting the knife in Sheen by Chuck Lorre, this time through the brutal and rather unsympathetic death of Charlie Harper, and half a showcase for how the new dynamic with Kutcher as Walden Schmidt might work. And that part didn't work too well either. Walden is supposed to be a smart, brokenhearted Internet billionaire with a large wang, and yet, he comes off as much of a player as Charlie, if a lot less mean-spirited. For a guy who pines for his lost love, he sure doesn't care much about engaging in a threesome with two different girls while Alan cries himself to sleep. Also, the "big dong" gags were a little awkward, though I will admit that I chuckled when he walked into the kitchen with Berta completely naked (censored by CBS). Other than that, I laughed twice: when Rose gave her brief explanation of Charlie's (rather suspicious) death, and when Alan dropped the urn with a freezing Walden standing on the deck (only time he was actually funny). Other than that, I was completely disappointed with Lorre's rather bigheaded attempt to pile more crap on Sheen. After the roast and his multimillion settlement, he certainly looks like the winner, indeed. I will still reserve final judgment on this new incarnation of Two and a Half Men until I see the final part of the premiere, airing Monday, but this wasn't a good start at all.

"Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt" - 1.5/5 stars