TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION Review

Hint: This is not nearly as awesome as this image would suggest.

So, I gotta say, Summer 2014 has been, for the most part, an excellent year for the tentpole movies. Before the summer even began, in the spring we got NOAH, a complex and unique biblical epic from Darren Aronofsky that gave us the resurrection of Russell Crowe (which also happens to be my favorite movie of the year so far), and CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER, a political thriller disguised as a superhero movie that really gives THE AVENGERS a run for its money. After that, there was a stumble with THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 2, quite possibly the worst Spider-Man movie yet; a mess that was more concerned with setting up the franchise than being a satisfying standalone film. However, after that, it's been smooth sailing since. From the slow build to kaiju wrestling Nirvana that was Gareth Edwards' artfully made GODZILLA, to the time-traveling franchise reboot/capper combo that was X-MEN: DAYS OF FUTURE PAST (that also served as a resuscitation of director Bryan Singer's career), to the shockingly witty and cathartic experience that Tom Cruise gave us in EDGE OF TOMORROW (shockingly, one of the best blockbusters in years), to the brilliant meta-inversion of the typical comedy sequel of 22 JUMP STREET (in my opinion, an improvement on the first film every way). When we've got filmmakers like Aronofsky, the previously untested but surprisingly crackerjack action direction of the Russo brothers, Edwards, Singer, Doug Liman, and the unstoppable director team of Lord/Miller, it's safe to say that for the most part, this summer has been in excellent hands.

Enter Michael Bay, and with him, TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION.

As some might have guessed, I am not the biggest fan of Bay, or this particular franchise that he keeps coming back to for reasons known only to himself (read: MONEY). While the first TRANSFORMERS was a fun and enjoyable, if bloated, adventure that didn't take itself too seriously, both Shia LaBeouf-starring sequels that followed ranged from "pretty bad" (DARK OF THE MOON) to "worst movie of the century contender"(REVENGE OF THE FALLEN). A series that found its origins from children's toys and simple cartoons became a wheel spinning, convoluted, hyperviolent (disguised as not-violent because robot carnage instead of people) spectacle of nonstop Bayhem that assaults its viewers with constant sound and fury until their brains are fully scrambled. However, there was hopes (if however slight) that Bay might take things in a new and hopefully better direction this time. His last film, PAIN & GAIN, though flawed, showed an interesting new side of the director that showed that with the right script, he could be far more engaged with his material. Shia was also gone, and replaced with the more capable (if director dependent) Mark Wahlberg, the entire human cast of the previous films was jettisoned, and the number of robots was significantly reduced, possibly making one think that AGE OF EXTINCTION would take a back-to-basics approach that also served to give the fans of the franchise more of what they wanted (Dinobots, robot fighting) and less of what made Bay's last two movies so dire ("comedy", racist robots, psychopathic heroes that brutally kill their enemies and ALLOW AN ENTIRE CITY OF PEOPLE TO DIE to prove a point about "freedom" or something).

Think again.

Despite thinking that this franchise could not get any worse, TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION is a grueling experience, one that assaults your brain with even more sensory overload than the previous films, a movie that clangs and bangs for 165 minutes (!!!!!!!!!!!) before finally allowing itself to die. It unbelievably approaches REVENGE OF THE FALLEN levels of bad, something that I bet most thought even Bay would never sink to again. Even worse, it amplifies many of the previous films' problems. The Autobots are now full-on sociopaths, "heroes" who constantly discuss how much they enjoy killing, and proceed to do so every chance they get. It has a schizophrenic and completely unlikable Optimus Prime, who does nothing but grouse about how humanity has fucked him over, before vowing to kill a human, something that DIRECTLY CONTRADICTS THE VOW HE MADE ABOUT NOT HARMING HUMANS IN THE FIRST FILM. He convinces the Dinobots (who suck, by the way, and are barely in the movie at all) to help him by lasciviously running his sword over Grimlock's face and saying, immediately after stating his "freedom", "you will defend my family... OR DIE!!!" Bumblebee is suddenly a whiny manchild who bitches on about how he hates the human-made knockoff of him, before brutally murdering him. The other Autobots, including Hound, a John Goodman-voiced fat bot with a beard made of wires (spare me) and a cigar, and Drift, a samurai stereotype robot who addresses Prime as "sensei" (God help us all), simply do nothing but bicker and state their intended desires to get a good kill in before the day is done. The robot villains are even more useless, as Lockdown has motives that are nebulous at best, as he is a bounty hunter working for the "creators" of the Transformers that we never see, but apparently killed the dinosaurs. Galvatron is also useless, as he only is there to give robots for the Autobots to battle in the Hong Kong climax, and makes the human villains look phenomenally stupid for bringing him to life in the first place.

I am... GALVATRON! I also reduce the former franchise villain to merely being a heavy.

The human side of things aren't much better. Wahlberg turns in a bland, goofy performance as the hilariously named Cade Yeager, a Texan who suspiciously sounds like he's from Boston for some reason. He never quite reaches the levels of ham that he ascended to in THE HAPPENING, and he's certainly more convincing in the (still nonsensical) action sequences than LaBeouf ever was, but he's simply not very good. Nicola Peltz (look to THE LAST AIRBENDER for the warning signs) must be one of the worst actresses to ever have a camera pointed at her, as her delivery is eternally stilted, and her role serves no purpose other than to be the damsel in distress, who must be rescued by the creepy love triangle forming between her, her Lucky Charms Irish race car driving boyfriend (who does nothing in the movie, by the way), and her increasingly creepily overprotective dad. Other actors, such as Kelsey Grammer, Titus Welliver, Sophia Myles, and Li Bingbing, barely register at all, with Grammer simply being a generic paranoid government villain and Welliver being a typical Black Ops-style asshole. The only actor who I really have anything positive to say about is Stanley Tucci. Sure, he's just sort of fucking around the entire time in his role as Joshua, the arrogant inventor of the human-made Transformers, but his goofy performance is oddly endearing, and he's about the only anchor the audience can cling to for the entire film, even if he at point suggests running over a crowd of Chinese people.

Bay is still a master of visual effects, as everything here is completely seamless, and the robots do not look fake in one single shot. There are a couple of individual action beats that work as well, such as when the camera rotates around in a dogfight between two spaceships over Chicago. But the robot combat is still completely incomprehensible, and it almost feels resigned, which brings me to my final and most important point about this film:

MICHAEL BAY DOES NOT GIVE TWO SHITS ABOUT THESE MOVIES.

Think about it. He's only in it for the money at this point, if he even ever was invested before this. AGE OF EXTINCTION is an ugly, cynical, mean-spirited product of a movie, one loaded to the gills with product placements that include constant shots of Victoria's Secret and Miller Genuine Draft trucks and even Wahlberg downing an entire bottle of Bud Light in one scene. It's a movie based on toys and a cartoon for kids that has comedian TJ Miller getting fried to the gills by missiles, before lingering for roughly ten seconds on a shot of his charred corpse. It features a cast of Autobots that relish killing, and a leader that uses fear and threats to get what he wants, while proclaiming it all to be in the name of "freedom". In short, TRANSFORMERS about the most cynical blockbuster franchise out there, with AGE OF EXTINCTION serving as its nadir, at least in this regard. I gave him three chances on the basis of enjoying the first film, but now I finally am ready to say:

Fuck this franchise, and fuck Michael Bay.

I'm DONE.

TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION gets a 1 out of 10.

Do yourself a favor, and go see EDGE OF TOMORROW instead, a smart witty summer movie involving robots and aliens that actually gives a shit about its audience, building to a wholly satisfying ending.

EMBRACE THE CRUISE. You'll be better for it in the end.